Today, I came across a fantastic new website: The Gay Women Channel and stumbled upon the following clip, entitled 'Straight Girl at a Gay Bar (Honey Badger Parody)':
That was as factual as the story gets, but this clip reminded me of a fun story from my own past... Shortly after coming out, I made friends with a fellow gay named David. On one specific gay-pride filled weekend in Philadelphia, David and I ventured out accompanied by his older sister Grace. David and Grace were rather close, only a few years apart in age. Grace was a partier in her own rite, but had never been to a gay bar or a pride event, unaware of our daring alcohol abuse. Statistically speaking, a gay can generally consume double the alcohol of a heterosexual, with the exception of Europeans, especially Russians. David and I were only 18 and Grace was 21, but still, she wasn't ready for our party. We came to the outdoor celebration in the Philly "Gayborhood" with ample protection. And by protection, I'm referring to a bottle of Banker's Club Vodka. We were protecting our braincells from developing past that day. Anyone who has ever consumed Banker's Club anything knows exactly what I'm talking about.
We stood in the street, through the festivities, taking shots directly from the bottle of this dollar store rubbing alcohol. David and I kept going, handing off to Grace as we passed the bottle around. We finished the bottle within an hour standing in the bleeding sun, with that lovely smell of body odor that forms in a big group subjected to humidity. Thank Oprah I live in Los Angeles now, the land of no humidity. Humidity is not your friend. As we stood there, empty bottle in hand, we wondered what our next move would be. Clearly a bottle of Vodka in an hour wasn't enough for our growing livers. All of a sudden we heard our names: "Raanan! David!" It was our friends Lauren and Lisa, two lesbians that David and I worked with at 'the Olive Garden' back in New Jersey. For anyone who doesn't know, 'the Olive Garden' is only the finest establishment for Authentic Italian food prepared in the microwave by non-Italians. If you haven't been, you should really try it out. Buon Appetito.
Lauren and Lisa wanted to go to a bar. Despite claiming she was "game", Grace was not used to this level of debauchery. We were all holding our own, but you could tell a light had switched off in Grace's eyes. It was like that glared wink you receive from someone at "last call" in a seedy bar. Still, we ventured on. I had a friend who was a bartender at a gay-bar in the "gayborhood" and would happily serve us despite our legal dispute with our underage status. Off we ventured to a bar. As we sat down at the bar, everyone began to order cocktails. Grace had left us for the bathroom.
As we were enjoying our drinks, Grace emerged from the bathroom and proceeded to the bar. She ordered a 'Mike's Hard Lemonade', as one would expect. As our friend the bartender handed Grace her malt beverage, she went to seat herself on the barstool next to her brother David. As she went to sit, we all heard a BANG. We turned to look: Grace had fallen to the floor. Straight girl had clearly drank too much. We, collectively as a group, decided it was time to put Grace in a cab back to New Jersey. There was no reason to stop drinking, we just had to place the day's casualty in a cab and off to bed. As we left the bar, Grace was unable to stand. David and Lauren hoisted her up and took each arm of hers around their respective shoulders.
As we walked through this "gayborhood" alley-way, Grace seemed possessed. It was as if she had a new-found form of Racist Tourette Syndrome. We saw a couple of gay guys, one of which was black, and Grace screamed Racist profanity. It was shocking and quite embarrassing. Lauren threw her hand over Grace's mouth: "You will not say things like that, Grace. Do you hear me??" She then removed her hand. We encountered a lesbian couple and Grace screamed: "Dykes! Shame on you!" Lauren slapped her hand across Grace's mouth and told her, again, to shut up.
We thought that last slap had killed the demon possession inside of her. We continued to walk. All of a sudden, Grace began to cry. Lauren asked her what was wrong, to which she responded: "I can't live my life like this! I want to be free, but I can't because of my brother! He's gay and I want to be with a woman, but I can't be gay because he is." We all stood there in shock, David the most jarred. He immediately assured her it would be okay for her to be gay. As we approached the cab, Grace yelled out: "I want pussy!" Clearly, the Tourette Syndrome had survived.
It became clear to David and I that we would have to accompany Grace home in the cab as she was incapacitated. Grace slept the whole way back to David's house in New Jersey. As we pulled up to their house, Grace woke up, opened her taxi door and stumbled out of the cab, not before throwing up all over their driveway. As Grace returned to standing, she asked me what had transpired that day, remembering nothing. To which, I responded: "You spent a day with the gays."
Thoughts or opinions?
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