I've lived in LaLaLand for what's approaching five years, come January. Well, I guess that's not really five years just yet, but math is not my forte. Four and a half years later and nothing seems to phase me in this mess of a place I call a home...
Shortly after moving here, I met my girlfriend Dee. Dee's a hot mess in all of the best ways possible. She's a functioning alcoholic, smoking hot, and a lover to the gays. She's the first person to jump up on the pole. Needless to say, Dee is always a fun time. A few years ago, Dee was involved with this guy Kevin. The fun with Dee was that Kevin wasn't the only guy in her life. Outside her slew of gays, Dee was chatting with a number of guys she met out in Boystown. One guy was a go-go dancer, so was another, and then there was Kevin.
Kevin was a porn star by way of gay porn. They call that "gay-for-pay"... Many "straight" guys participate in gay porn and Kevin was one of them. It varies from studio to studio, but from what I can tell: when a man has unprotected sex with a stranger while talking dirty and spitting in their face - you're gay. You may not want to admit it. It may be a difficult reality for you, but despite your craving for unwashed penis, let's collectively as a group: "You're gay." Period.
Back to Kevin... He was straight. And he was "sleeping" with Dee. My girlfriend assured me he was an "entrepreneur" with a vision. My vision was Kevin's exposed anus on every laptop in America, but again I digress.
One night, Dee invited me out for a night of debauchery. Being the good friend that I am, I obliged. Shortly after arriving at our destination, Dee got a text that Kevin was on his way. I hadn't met him in person, yet. I was strictly a fan of his admirable "film acting". It was well-spread work. Was I going to get an autograph?? Would he sign my hand?? Excitement was on its way.
All of a sudden, I hear from down the street what can only be described as a parade. It was Kevin with some of his other "gay-for-pay" fellow thespians, followed by swarms of gays. Kevin walked right over to me, cocky and confident, and introduced himself: "I know, I know... I look familiar. You've probably seen me in film..." I stood there marveling at his introduction and decided to have a little fun with him: "Oh yeah? Films? Anything I may have seen recently in the theaters??" Kevin responded just as Dee kicked me underneath our bar table. "You've probably seen me in porn. Name's Jake Lighthouse." To which I responded, "How bright..."
Shortly after this, Dee and I became supporting characters to the evening as Mr. Lighthouse and his fellow "gay-for-pay" women-lovers attended to their gay fans, signing genitalia and acting very "straight". That's what straight guys do, right?? Don't all straight guys do gay porn and frequent gay bars fooling around with their fans??
As the scene overwhelmed, I left a short while after. The following morning, I called Dee to check in. She was hungover and lazy, still checked into bed. Kevin/Mr. Lighthouse was in the shower. "So, how was the rest of your night, Dee?? You and Kevin go crazy??" There was silence. You could hear Katherine Heigl crying in the distance, mourning the loss of her career. Noise had been overspent. After a few more moments of awkward silence, I repeated my question. To which Dee responded: "We just cuddled. Kevin shot two scenes yesterday and he was exhausted. Sometimes we just cuddle." To which I attempted to keep a straight face and responded: "very normal issue". "It's ok. Our relationship is so much more than sex..."
Yes, so were my relationships with women, but I'm also gay. Kevin, the "gay-for-pay" porn star is as straight as they come. Hugh Jackman, watch out.
And thus concludes another irreverent LaLaLand story.
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