This past Christmas season, I had the great pleasure of working in den of despair, otherwise known as a department store. I worked with a colorful assortment of delinquents: i.e. stories for days. I recently blogged on one of them: 'Paranormal Insanity'. Check it out if you missed it by clicking here.
Since my departure, I have veered far from this den of inequity, but I was recently called back to claim a past sales incentive and was reminded of this mall of mess. Today I tell the story of Carina, the Ice Princess of mid-grade leather goods.
Carina was a stoic creature, reaching almost 6 feet tall in height, very pretty, with a condescending grin tattooed on her face. Carina was the department manager for mid-grade handbags and leather goods meant to appear like a Chanel display. Carina was a no-nonsense bitch and I liked her. She didn't have the energy to manage her staff, but rather ran threw the marble floors with a nervous twitch, a speedy demeanor, and that condescending grin. I met Carina during my first day of training. She was running an orientation for 40-some-odd hires, instructing us on dress code and work required attire. I didn't understand why a group of 40 needed a lecture on how to dress, but then again, the boy sitting next to me was wearing a vintage "zoot suit", so perhaps the class was necessary. It drug on rather long, but I knew I liked Carina by the first hand raised. A timid little girl in the back corner of the room raised her hand to ask a question as Carina was speaking and the response that followed that hand was epic. "I'm sorry, I didn't open the floor for questions." There was a collective silence in the room. Miss Carina was "reading" this young new hire and throwing shade all in the same moment. Carina continued: "You can write that question down on a paper, and if I don't answer it in the rest of my presentation - which is highly unlikely, check back with me later. Mmkay??" And she threw that devilish smirk out to the shy girl. I was in awe of her brass balls. She was a catty little department manager and I liked her style. This was pure entertainment, which cleared up my schedule from the boring redundant orientation. I mean, how many ways can you say: "wear all black and dress modestly"?? Really...
I felt like I was watching two trains collide in front of me, surrounded by such stupidity. People had questions for everything and it was all meant to be explained. All day long in that orientation, we had various managers instructing us on the remedial. I felt like I was watching a conversation between Lindsay Lohan and Helen Keller. We were getting nowhere. But, here we had Carina, who was taking herself far too seriously and shooting shade at the unkept rejects joining me in this break room. After she schooled the girl in the corner, the shy timid girl proved her own inept nature when she continued: "...But I don't have a pen..." To which Carina walked forward, raised herself up on her toes, in six-inch stiletto boots and said: "Well... I guess you have a problem." And with that, no one raised their hands until the next manager entered the room. I kept looking around for the cameras, because she gave a grade A reality star performance. Maybe not Bravo-worthy, but definitely something for Oxygen or the Style Network...
As I worked in this department store for a few months, I got to see "a lot" of Carina. And by "a lot", I mean she was always briskly rushing through various departments as if she had presidential business to attend to. She would brush customers constantly, feeling entitled to her place ahead of them. Clearly, Carina was a class act.
One afternoon, while out to eat with a coworker on our lunch break, we may or may not have been drinking Bloody Marys. The details escape me. All of a sudden, we notice Carina seated at a table not too far away from ours. As we went to clear our drinks from visibility, Carina threw back her head and swallowed a shot of tequila. Suddenly I didn't find my Bloody Mary so inappropriate. I sipped my cocktail, feeling like I had Carina fully figured out...
Meanwhile, as this is all going on, the store was experiencing a generous amount of theft. Of course there were common thefts, but there was a serious internal situation. There was a major shrink problem going on and people were fired on a daily basis for their misdemeanors. There was a "loss prevention" team in place to patrol the store, but they were far more like the cast of 'Reno 911' or 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'. I chatted them up often and they were far more concerned with the sexual politics within the store than theft. Due to this shrink problem, however, there were daily interviews conducted by the "loss prevention" team and people were tense. The environment wasn't great to begin with, so this only added to the mess. Throughout all of it, Carina stomped through the aisles of this department store with her nose in the air and that nasty grin, seemingly unaffected. I thought she was a fierce creature who didn't fit in within this environment, much like myself.
One day, after a slew of interrogations throughout departments, I was gossiping with a coworker, disillusioned with the establishment. Carina approached behind and interjected her way into the conversation. I had just given my notice a few days prior and was mostly checked out from work. Carina asked us our thoughts on an ongoing sale and I had a bit of verbal diarrhea. "It's a rather exciting sale. Just as exciting as the last sale, which ironically held all the same details as this sale. You'd almost think there really is no sale..." There was a snarky quality to my delivery and Carina's nose instantly shut up in the air. Whether it was due to a personal habit, plastic surgery, or extreme senses, Carina's nose found its way up in the air very easily. Carina then turned to me, authoritatively and strong: "You can lose the attitude Raanan. Some of us are VERY happy here. Take your energy elsewhere." I was somewhat surprised as I didn't expect that aggressive a response, but then again this was Carina. And in regards to being happy, you could have fooled me, but perhaps Tequila shots had something to do with Carina's happy.
The following week I left department store hell and didn't look back. Some time went on and I received a call from one of my ex-coworkers. It seems that everything was carrying on dreary as anything at work one day when all of a sudden 'Paul Blart' and his crew in the Loss Prevention department marched up to Carina, handcuffed her, and took her away. Carina had been running some sort of theft operation under the guise of her management approval. Lady was making out like a bandit for years. Carina was escorted out with her head held low. Somehow her nose got its first taste of the floor. That was Carina's goodbye.
Since I hadn't had a chance to give her a proper goodbye, I decided to send her a farewell text message. The message read: "Hey Carina, Hope all's well. Are you VERY happy now?? xoxo. Raanan."
Unfortunately, I never received a response.
Thoughts or opinions?
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